Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
