you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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