Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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