There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
