I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
