We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
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APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
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Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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