I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
