I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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