True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
