Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
