I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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