DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
