i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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