My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
