Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
