Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
