google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
