I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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