How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
