sarcasm needs its own font
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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