Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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