Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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