During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
