Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
