the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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