Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I need a burrito and a hug.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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