I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
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She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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