Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
