I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
