While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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