Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
