There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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