The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
