Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
