a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
