i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
