I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
