Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
