i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
