Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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