Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
