Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
