Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Randomize
