Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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