Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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