She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
