if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize