my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
