god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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