I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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