shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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