in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
