The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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