i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
