I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
