I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
