I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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