I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
