I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
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You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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