I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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